We live in a world where communication is everywhere and it’s instantaneous. But just because we do it all of the time doesn't mean we are good at it or that it’s satisfying.
This is one of the most common topics in therapy sessions. As a therapist I hear people say; ‘they don’t listen’, ‘I don’t even know where I would begin the conversation’, ‘we have nothing to talk about anymore’. All of which are valid!
The key to communicating effectively begins with you. One of the most important things to do while in a conversation is actually being in the conversation. This means being present. If you are having an in person conversation, put down your phone, lower the volume on music, mute the TV. Limit the distractions around you so you can focus on what the person is sharing with you. This helps you focus on what they are saying and be in the space with them. This will help increase the quality of the conversation.
Don’t just hear what they are saying, but listen to what they are saying. This can be tougher. We carry ourselves through the world with our own biases, perceptions, wants and needs; this is your worldview. This does not mean others see the world the way you do. When you are conversing with someone, be mindful of this. Listening to someone means hearing what they are saying and then doing your best to understand them from their world view. That is listening. Look for clues like body language, interesting words, tone, facial expressions that will provide clues to what you need to hear and what you need to listen for .
Acknowledge what they are saying. This shows that you are present in the conversation. It can be subtle non-verbal acknowledgments such as nodding along or raising your eyebrows when hearing something surprising. It can also be a minimal encourager. These are minimal sounds you make to let some know your listening. These can sounds like ‘mhmm’ and ‘oh’. When using minimal encouragers tone is important. The pitch and tone of the sound is what conveys your emotion towards the topic such as concern, surprise, disapproval or agreement. You can also repeat back what they were saying in small increments which lets them know you were engaged in the conversation. This sounds like ‘I agree with you when you said…’ or ‘When you mentioned [a part of the conversation], I immediately thought of…’. You can use these fragments of conversation to help you stay on topic as well by bringing them back to the original conversation and let them know you are engaged.
Most importantly be curious. Being curious is a sign that you genuinely want to know someone. When you're curious you’ll typically learn that the people around you are really interesting. Oftentimes people like sharing about themselves because this is a topic they know all about! If you want to learn more about a person it’s up to you to help them open up so they can share more and you get to learn more. This is done by asking open ended questions. An open ended question allows the person to elaborate on their answer giving space for a conversation and for the person to share their thoughts and opinions. This is directly contrasted by the close ended questions which are often very specific and prompts short answers with little to no detail.
To give an example a close ended question would sound like ‘do you like to travel?’, prompting a short response. An open ended question sounds like ‘In your opinion where would the best place to travel be?’ prompting the person to tell you their thoughts, creating space for a conversation.
Hopefully these tips will help you build quality conversations and even stronger relationships. But be warned, you may end up in some lengthy conversations!
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