I regularly see clients who are frustrated and dissatisfied with internet dating with a particularly massive surge in the dating app industry during the 2020 pandemic.
So what exactly is the deal with dating apps and why do so many people use them when we don't even like them?
Swipe right culture
Tinder is one of the most widely used dating apps in the world with around 75 million active users (Freire, Rema & Novais, 2023). It has also changed the culture of dating for many. It seems that the bar has been lowered in terms of behaviour. Ghosting, rude comments, demands for nudes or sex and insults have all been normalized (Sales, 2022). Dating also has become more about aesthetics than ever before and our accessibility to so many people allows us believe we can always 'find someone better'. This belief seems to be one of the driving forces that keep users using, but is also the same belief that impacts our mental health (Thomas, et al., 2023).
Clients who I have worked with on this topic have assumed many things, none of which are true. Like that there is something wrong with them, that they are unattractive and that nobody likes them. This can explained by objectification theory. This is the idea that "sexual objectification leads to internalization of cultural standards of attractiveness and self-objectification, which in turn promotes body shame and prevents motivational states crucial to psychological wellbeing" (Holtzhausen, et al., 2020).
The link between peer validation and dating apps is high. Meaning the possibility of objectification theory taking root is also high, resulting in low self esteem. This puts our mental health at risk by increasing rates of depression, anxiety and eating disorders. It also has a huge impact on beauty standards and what we deem to be beautiful and desirable.
Why do we Keep Going Back?
One answer is convenience. Dating apps are a common tool, particularly for young people, that combine GPS, mobile functionality and user practices to make the app accessible and user friendly. Having multiple single and ready to mingle people at your finger tips seems like a great idea. Some researchers suggest that 40% of single adults are looking for a partner online, and 25% of new couples meet this way (Freire, Rema & Novais, 2023).
Another reasons for downloading dating apps is not knowing where to meet people or how to meet people. Being involved in hobbies, having broad friend groups and going out may still result in being single. Dating apps promise a pool of available singles in your area looking for (supposedly) the same thing as you. It can also be said that messaging someone online is significantly less intimidating then speaking to them in person. The online platform allows people feel okay approaching others while being slightly removed with the idea that it is supposed to help people start conversation more easily. However it has been shown this lack of personal connection can result in some bizarre, shocking and offensive conversation starters.
A final reason for using dating apps is because of our brains reward system. This is the group of neural structures responsible for wanting/craving something and associative learning (aka, the positive reinforcement). Like gamblers in a casino every match is a win . Meaning every match you receive releases a small hit of dopamine that feels good and speaks to our brains reward system. Swipe based dating apps put us in a position to receive instant gratification at varying intervals using self-validation as a reward (Thomas, et al., 2023; Holtzhausen, et al., 2020). And who doesn't want to feel good about themselves? However, when we are not receiving the number of matches or quality of matches we deem to be acceptable that reward system backfires and we feel terrible about ourselves and becoming increasingly frustrated. But, just like a gambler there's always the chance you could win. With the promise of lasting connections, dopamine boosts and an addictive design; dating apps can keep people scrolling and swiping for hours.
Tips for Internet Dating
Swipe Less. It's been found that the average tinder user opens the app about 11 times per day and stays on the app for about 8 minutes each time adding up to 1.5 hours or tinder use per day (Thomas, et al., 2023). That's a lot of time spent looking for love.
The ideal number of profiles to select a match from has been recorded as being between 20 and 50, if you exceed that number of profiles in a day it is easy to become lost in the endless possibilities and experience feelings of overload (Thomas, et al., 2023). Try limiting the amount of time you are using the app per day or try limiting the number of profiles you view. This will help you reduce feelings of overwhelm and allow yourself to have a more quality dating app experience.
Be Open to Someone Different. Maybe you are someone who has a type. We tend to be quick to judge others which is somewhat natural, but by always choosing the same type of person your are limiting yourself to other people who may surprise you. I encourage you to choose to match with someone you may have previously passed up on. If you don't consider new people you will always be dating a different version of the same person.
Establish Authenticity. Be up front about who you are and what you want. You can do this through the use of photos sharing what you love. Ultimately, being your unique self is important. We no longer compete for romantic partners as we once did as cave people. We now aim to identify with our partner by seeing bits of ourselves in them, like having common interests (Thomas, et al., 2023). As mentioned by Mark Manson, the author of ' The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck', your quirks will appeal to about 10% of people who will think your amazing and fun, don't downplay them for the 90% who will think you're mediocre.
Limit Your Time. Don't be afraid to delete your app and take a break. When you are on dating apps for extended periods of time it can be exhausting and can make you feel hopeless in your search for a partner. It has also been noted in several studies that dating app users experience overwhelm and can experience negative symptoms from extended use. If you are not finding the right person, that's okay. Taking a break from an app may create the opportunity to spend more time doing something that makes you happy and feel good. It's important to also recognize that maybe the platform you were using just wasn't right for you and when the time is right try a different app to switch things up.
References
Freire, D., Rema, J., & Novais, F. (2023). Dating Apps and Mental Health Status: Is There a Link?. Journal of Psychosexual Health, 5(3), 167-173.
Holtzhausen, N., Fitzgerald, K., Thakur, I., Ashley, J., Rolfe, M., & Pit, S. W. (2020). Swipe-based dating applications use and its association with mental health outcomes: A cross-sectional study. BMC psychology, 8, 1-12.
Sales, N. J. (2022, August 16). Dating apps have made our love lives hell. why do we keep using them? | nancy jo sales. The Guardian. https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2022/aug/16/dating-apps-love-lives-hell-tinder-decade
Thomas, M. F., Binder, A., Stevic, A., & Matthes, J. (2023). 99+ matches but a spark ain’t one: Adverse psychological effects of excessive swiping on dating apps. Telematics and Informatics, 78, 101949.
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